Abstain From Fear

I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety in August of 2019. My daughter was 10 months old at the time.

Admitting that I need help has always been a huge problem for me.

My husband took me to the hospital and I checked myself in. I felt the need to tell everyone who asked questions that my depression didn’t feel like the kind you hear from the news or family and friends. I never wanted to hurt my baby. I was just so extremely protective of her. I didn’t trust anyone to even be in the same room with her, without me. My husband even. I also felt like I could walk out into traffic at any moment just to stop the pain.

Being a first time mom, everything parenting was new. From pregnancy, labor, and giving birth, and all of the traumatizing things that come after, breastfeeding was the most new.

I thought I watched enough videos and read enough books on the subject to get by and make it work. There were things I didn’t know would happen when I started this journey with my sweet newborn. Like how nursing a baby (and pumping) releases hormones that make you sleepy. Or how you can experience flashbacks from past trauma from said hormones. I do not blame my nursing journey for my ppd/ppa. It’s just something that can happen to anyone after they have a baby.

Along with all of these new feelings I was experiencing, I also experience immense shame. So many women wish they could breastfeed and their bodies don’t agree. I should be thankful right? And I felt like I still wasn’t good enough. PPD will do that to you. I eventually got into counseling and onto max dose ssri to get back to some sort of normal.

I have been taking my lexapro everyday for almost 3 years and it’s still working. I hope that one day I am able to wean off of it. Ppd/Ppa is nothing to be ashamed of. Educate yourself before you decide about children because it can truly hit you from seemingly out of nowhere.

Disclaimer: This post isn’t shaming breastfeeding or formula feeding. Fed is best. What ever you choose, take care of yourself and listen to your body.

-Kylie

My partner and I were having a discussion this morning about how a personal blog is well.. a personal thing. We keep to ourselves mostly. Aside from occasional visits with friends and family. So sharing my brain (and a little of his) with you all is scary. Like entering a brand new relationship awhile after leaving one you couldn’t wait to get away from. It’s like wanting to be as open and honest about everything, but also fearing judgement or rejection. At some point the quiet voice tells you to launch. Go, be, do. Whatever happens is meant for you and whatever doesn’t, wasn’t. So here I sit as my daughter naps, sprawled across my lap, waiting to launch. I hope to connect with as many of you as possible.

Best, Kylie

Abstain From Fear

Antidepressants

Launch.